The Joker's Guide to Speeding (And Not Getting Caught)

I'd like to preface this piece by clearly stating that I do not encourage or condone any illegal activities, no matter how entertaining or well-planned such attempts may be.  I would like to note that I also do not condone many senseless driving laws which are designed to protect us from ourselves while hindering the effectiveness of our preferred mode of transportation, all while generating revenue for the state.  That being said, buckle up.  Not because you have to, but because you'd be stupid not to.

Pace, Don't Race

Whether you're in a hurry to get somewhere, simply impatient, or just an adrenaline junkie, the quickest way to get caught speeding is to be the fastest person on the road.  Understand that police have to set priorities when pulling people over, which is why you can usually cruise past highway speed traps at 75 mph or under without worry.  The best method of making sure that you're not the one who's going to get pulled over is using what I call a Speed Decoy.  The way this works is simple: stay in the far left lane of the highway at a comfortable 70-75 mph until someone impatient comes up behind you.  You'll know they're really itching to pass you when they start tailgating and drifting to the right to check their chances of getting around you in the other lane.  Either allow them to do this or cede the lane to them.  Once they're in front of you they should start accelerating, which is perfect.  Just get in behind them and allow them to get a good distance ahead of you before you match their speed.  You want to make sure you don't lose sight of them though, because if they take another lane and slow down or get off the highway entirely without you realizing it then you're suddenly the one going the fastest, which makes you fair game.  As long as there's space between you and you don't lose sight of them, you can go as fast as they are without worrying about being caught by a speed trap.  The only downside to this is you do still have to watch out for cops already in the flow of traffic who will run radar or attempt to match your speed behind you or on the sides.

Radar Detectors

Possibly the most useful tool you can legally keep in your car (in most states anyway) to avoid being pulled over.  Obviously it's not a fool proof system, which is unfortunate because fool proof is exactly what you need against most cops, but it definitely negates a powerful tool used in the "war on speeding."  Radar is one of the few things which will guarantee that you have to pay a ticket.  It's almost never knocked down in court, unlike when your speed is estimated, which are easier to contend.  If you don't have a radar detector visible when you're pulled over cops will inevitably write on your ticket that they got your speed using radar, whether or not they actually did.  If you have one visible when you're pulled over and they didn't really run radar, they'll either be forced to write that they only estimated your speed, or just give you a warning so they don't have to show up to court when you contest it. (Always contest your tickets no matter how fast you were going.  If they don't show up to court the judge will usually dismiss it.)    They're more likely to show for court if radar was used because it's practically a guarantee for them, but if they estimated your speed you have a much better chance of winning your appeal because you can argue human error.  After all, they don't exactly stick their lead detectives on traffic duty.


Trucker Tell

Trucks and other commercial vehicles can be your best friends on the road if you're trying to speed but unsure as to the amount of police on the road.  When you're first deciding whether or not it's "safe" to speed on any particular highway, find some trucks.  If the trucks you find are speeding, than there probably aren't many cops about.  The theory behind this is that truckers are actually in communication with each other while on the road, so they know where the speed traps are set up or if there's a high volume of cops out on any given day/night.  They also have a job which requires them to travel from one place to another quickly and efficiently, which means that paying fines and losing their licenses are not options for them.  Truckers are just like you and me in that they want to spend as little time as possible on the road, but their livelihoods are also at risk when they're speeding, so if you see them exceeding the speed limit, chances are there's very little risk involved.

Don't Be An Ass

This should apply to just about all facets of life, but I'll narrow it down a bit for the purposes of this article.  Don't be that guy who goes 60 mph in the fast lane, or the one tailgating everyone in the exit lane.  Don't use the cars in the other lanes to box people out when they try to pass you.  Don't tailgate or purposefully slow down when you're being tailgated.  Don't throw your trash out the windows.  Don't switch lanes at the last possible second to take your exit.  Don't switch lanes when you see someone coming up fast behind you in that lane, just wait till they've passed.  Don't do your makeup, eat, or text while you're driving.  Don't write things on the windows/windshields of your car.  ( I don't care how close to finished with high school you are, the world doesn't need to know and you don't need the extra distractions and reduced visibility)  Don't honk your horn at traffic, it doesn't magically move the cars in front of you.  And don't mouth off to the police officer when he pulls you over.  "Yes, sir" "No, sir" and "I don't know, officer" are the best words that can come out of your mouth if you don't want a ticket; the phrase "My taxes pay your salary" never works.