Yeah, I said it. And most of you who read the headline are probably already so pissed off that you won't bother to read the reasons why before (over)reacting. The Harry Potter series is riddled with so many holes that it looks like a swarm of moths tore through J.K. Rowling's manuscript and ate all the parts which were explanatory or rational. The general explanation for why things are the way they are in the Harry Potter universe seems to be "because, that's why." I'm not going to waste any more time with preface here, because this is already going to be way more words and time than I want to devote to the subject, so without further ado:
1) [Seinfeld Voice] What's the Deal with Muggles? [/Seinfeld Voice] How is it that the wizarding world is still a secret from muggles? There are, by the most conservative estimates, at least hundreds of thousands of magic users in the Harry Potter universe. Some, like Hermione are even born to Muggle parents. Put yourself in the shoes of either of her parents: when your daughter turns 11 an unsolicited owl delivers a letter to your house saying that she's a witch and she has been invited to attend a magical school for which you can find no information other than possibly some brochures or pamphlets delivered by other owls. I assume there's also something in there about "by the way, we know you're new to the whole magic thing, so don't mention this to the authorities because they don't know about us." How terrible of a parent do you have to be to not only refrain from contacting the authorities, but to actually send your kid off to that school? How do you explain any of that to your friends or family? "Where's Hermione? She's at a special school you've never heard of. No, your kid can't get in, stop asking questions about it."
On top of that, most wizards and witches all seem to have jobs relating to magic (which makes sense because you never see Hogwarts teaching math, literature, non-magical history, or anything else that would be practical in the Muggle world) so for all intents and purposes these people are non-existent in the Muggle work force. What do they list as their employment when filing taxes? Are all their records just erased from all databases when they turn 11 and start going to magic school? What if someone drops out of Hogwarts, or even graduates and wants a regular, non-magical job? How do they list their educational history when applying for said job? How do they cope with the fact that their education basically ended at the age of 11 when they went to a school that teaches nothing but things relating to magic?
More importantly, no scientifically-minded Muggle has ever found magical paraphernalia? If just one moving picture went public the entire wizarding world would be exposed, and there have to be millions if not billions of those things floating around. They print entire newspapers with moving pictures, referencing the use of magic and places that can't be located on any Muggle map. Is there just an entire division within the Ministry of Magic that specializes in wholesale memory erasing, Men In Black style, because I find it hard to believe that people like Neville Longbottom haven't ever let something like that slip. Keeping the magical world a secret would have to be literally the world's largest conspiracy, and to do so 24/7/365 for thousands of years and indefinitely into the future would be such a monumental effort that the majority of magic users' jobs would have to be related to the cover up.
2) Magic Defies the Laws of Physics Even the most basic feats of magic seem to be in opposition to all known laws of physics. If you make the end of your wand light up you're creating an quantifiable exothermic reaction. The amount of light produced could be measured, and the result would have to require an equal transference of energy from somewhere else. Where does that energy come from? Is the core of a wand a ridiculously powerful battery, or does magic drain energy from the user? Both seem unlikely since some magic seems to stay in effect long after the wand or caster have perished. The stairs in Hogwarts have been moving for hundreds of years without someone continually willing them to do so, where is the energy that allows that to happen coming from? If magic users can actually create energy rather than just transferring it, aren't they kind of the ultimate assholes for using it to fly around and throw spells at each other while billions of Muggles toil for everything they have? The way the stairs in Hogwarts move is almost the definition of a perpetual motion machine (I say almost because I don't know what the decay rate of that movement is) if you could harness something like that for the energy it's apparently generating it would change the entire world. It would certainly eliminate the need for coal-burning power plants. Likewise, if magic users allowed Muggles to use their transportation methods we wouldn't have to release countless tons of carbon into the atmosphere and waste hours of commuting time with our current inefficient cars and planes. They could use their magical healing potions (or whatever it is they have that heals) to significantly reduce the suffering of billions of people, but instead they seem to be more concerned with keeping all of this secret from Muggles rather than helping them in any way. Presumably they don't teach ethics at Hogwarts.
3) Why Do Wizards Hate Technology? Seriously, how is it that Ron Weasley's dad is the only person who sees the value of Muggle technology? No one sees the irony in taking a train to Hogwarts, having a magical public transportation bus, but being generally dismissive of Arthur's invisible (by the way, how are invisibility cloaks such a rare thing if Arthur Weasley can turn a flying car invisible?) flying car? Other than those few examples, the most technologically advanced thing in the wizarding world is apparently the modern flush toilet, invented in the 18th century. I understand that in their world magic has seemingly infinite uses, thereby eliminating most need for any kind of technology, but if a magic user misplaces or breaks their wand, they're effectively useless since to them a wand is used for everything from lighting to defense against the dark arts. This is especially true when you consider that (again) wizarding schools don't seem to teach anything other than things relating to magic. It's not even just technology which they seem to scorn, but basic actions which could easily be completed without magic. Voldemort kills Harry Potter's parents and is alone with a baby Harry and he goes right for the killing curse because to a magic user the idea of doing it any other way is inconceivable. It's like the old saying "if all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail."
4) Hogwarts is a Terrible Place for Kids I'm far from the first person to point this out, but why do parents keep sending their kids to Hogwarts? Surely at least one of those kids came back from the first couple of years in Harry's class and told their parents how a few kids almost died at the hands of old secret magic stuff and the headmaster's response was to award them points for bravery. Not only that, but from their very first day they're sorted into factions which are made to compete against each other and be generally distrustful of everyone not in your own faction. At 11 years old the sorting hat basically decides which of your classmates will be your friends and which will be enemies for life (or at least the next 7 years). Why would you continue with that tradition? Sure, it fosters unity within your own group, but at the same time your group is now pitted against the other three quarters of the students in the school in just about every activity the school offers. It's as if the school administrators saw how different gangs compete with one another on the streets and decided that was a good system for a school, even going so far as to assign specific colors for each faction.
And the staff of Hogwarts is at best uncaring (again, Dumbledore seems to reward reckless behavior and disregard for the rules, he actually gives Hermione a time traveling device so she can take extra classes instead of just saying "extra classes aren't worth messing with the fabric of reality") and at worst an ex-war criminal who seems to despise children. Having Snape teach kids is like having an ex-SS officer teach high school chemistry. Sure he's technically qualified, but only because he was the guy cooking the Zyklon B used in the concentration camps. I don't care how much Dumbledore vouches for him, that guy should not be around children, he's lucky enough to even be walking around freely. If that's not bad enough, every single one of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers is a trainwreck who doesn't last more than a year. In chronological order the seven teachers we see are: death eater/Voldemort's host, incompetent, werewolf, disguised death eater, malicious power hungry conspiracy theorist, ex-death eater, and pair of death eaters. Any one of these should be enough to question the school's vetting process, after the first three even the most trusting parent should admit that it's time to find a new school for their kids.
5) Voldemort is the Stupidest Villain Ever Not even counting the treating everything like a nail thing I mentioned earlier, how many times do you have to be thwarted by a kid before you decide to maybe stop going near that kid? Or maybe just try a slightly different tactic than magical force. I'd be willing to bet that young Harry Potter doesn't know a spell to prevent a shotgun from ripping through him. Just hire someone to shoot him instead of putting yourself in the same room as him every time. You could make it even easier by going after him when he's not at school surrounded by people who know how to use magic. He lives with a family so stupid that they make Neville look, well not smart, but at least of average intelligence. You wouldn't even need magic to get to him there, just wait until the family's asleep, tamper with their gas line, and wait for an spark to blow the whole house up. They don't have gas? Ok, wait until he's walking on the street and hit him with a truck. If you're as determined to kill a kid as Voldemort seems to be, it really isn't hard (at this point I'd like to note that I do not endorse killing kids no matter how easy it is).
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Where the Wind Meets the Mountain
Where the wind meets the mountain
Snow falls light,
Dew drops turn to frost.
There at the peak the moon takes its seat
Somehow both bright and dark.
The sea at its base reflects the face
Of the moon's ethereal glow.
Calmly repeating yet not understanding
Secrets the wind only knows.
The sky and the sea stretch on past the mountain
Chasing the sun's fleeting rays.
The moon follows them and as it grows dim
The mountain begins a new day.
Where the wind meets the mountain
Frost melts to dew,
Snowfall turns to rain.
The sun in the sky smiles as it climbs
And the sea and the sky play their game.
Snow falls light,
Dew drops turn to frost.
There at the peak the moon takes its seat
Somehow both bright and dark.
The sea at its base reflects the face
Of the moon's ethereal glow.
Calmly repeating yet not understanding
Secrets the wind only knows.
The sky and the sea stretch on past the mountain
Chasing the sun's fleeting rays.
The moon follows them and as it grows dim
The mountain begins a new day.
Where the wind meets the mountain
Frost melts to dew,
Snowfall turns to rain.
The sun in the sky smiles as it climbs
And the sea and the sky play their game.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Calendar
Numbered days
Turn the page
Banked and burned then back to the cage
Wage slave
Old age
Dying in the maze
Turn the page
Banked and burned then back to the cage
Wage slave
Old age
Dying in the maze
Friday, February 27, 2015
Rub This on Your Face To Feel Better About Yourself
"Proactive" used to be a seldom used word that meant taking care of problems before they arise. Now if you google the term the first result is for the company Proactiv, makers of multiple products that all do the exact same thing: treat acne. If you've ever watched late night TV you've been assaulted with Proactiv long-form commercials featuring mostly B-list actresses (and Adam Levine) and testimonials from regular jack-offs like yourself. They play them relentlessly during late-night TV because that's when all the acne-having uglies are at home watching TV, but you've probably seen them during the day or evening too, because Proactiv is nothing if not persistent about making you feel bad about yourself.
Almost every Proactiv commercial follows the same basic formula. A celebrity tells you "I know I'm widely regarded as a standard of beauty that you can only dream about achieving, but even I sometimes get pimples and can feel insecure about myself. But it's ok, because I just use Proactiv instead of dealing with my unhealthy self-esteem problems." This is followed by a friendly voice-over explaining the scientific and medical workings of the "new" Proactiv (every single Proactiv commercial describes their product as a new product) while a cartoon graphic shows acne disappearing and pores being cleaned by their "secret" "advanced micro-crystal medicine." User testimonials about how Proactiv changed people from losers to confident popular people will then play while of course showing before and after pictures with a disclaimer saying "results will vary." Almost all of these commercials end the same way as a basic infomercial ends: by telling you the products are worth so much more than what you'll pay if you call within some set time limit, because you don't just need to buy their product, you need to buy it right now.
The basic format of these commercials is insulting, but even worse are the actual user testimonials which seem to have been heavily edited to ensure they're as vapid and meaningless as possible. One commercial features the line "you put it on and it just feels like it's making those blackheads come out, just like pow pow pow." which basically sums up what Proactiv thinks of the average intelligence of its customers. That same commercial actually describes the product using the term "miracle gel," which should automatically raise all sorts of red flags the same way that any snake-oil salesman claiming to have a miracle product does. Another commercial trying to sell a special brush that somehow applies their miracle product in a way that's more miraculous claims that "This isn't just any brush, it's the only one from the doctors at Proactiv," or in other words, "this isn't just any brush, it's the only one made by the people we employ!"
But if all that talk of doctors and product value are too much for you, don't worry, because Proactiv actually makes an almost identical product that's targeted at a much more impressionable and less knowledgeable audience: teenagers. X Out is "the world's first wash-in treatment" which seems to imply that it's a different type of product than Proactiv despite being and doing the exact same thing. Commercials for this product are completely devoid of any kind of meaningful information, revealing that the makers of Proactiv think selling their product to children is like shooting fish in a barrel. They feature lines like "You can feel it working with a blast of icy cool," followed by clear-faced teens saying things like "like a WOOSH of wind," and "it's just, SCHHH, AHHH." The ads always end by saying that unlike most legitimate products, it's not sold in a store so call now and order to get free products.
The main problem with these commercials is that it tells you it's not OK to have any sort of skin blemishes. Sure, everyone gets them, even B-list celebrities, but if you want to be confident and successful you need this product to get rid of them, and you need a steady supply of it because you're not actually preventing future blemishes the way the word "proactive" suggests, you're just getting rid of already existing ones. They put themselves forward as a company that's helping people overcome their self-esteem issues, but what they really do is prey on those insecurities by offering the simple solution of "just be better looking." The way they present the products in their commercials makes it very clear that the makers of Proactiv only care about selling as many products as possible to the most impressionable and unintelligent audience they can find. If you need any more proof that Proactiv truly believes that beauty and happiness are only skin deep, look no further than this simple internet ad:
Almost every Proactiv commercial follows the same basic formula. A celebrity tells you "I know I'm widely regarded as a standard of beauty that you can only dream about achieving, but even I sometimes get pimples and can feel insecure about myself. But it's ok, because I just use Proactiv instead of dealing with my unhealthy self-esteem problems." This is followed by a friendly voice-over explaining the scientific and medical workings of the "new" Proactiv (every single Proactiv commercial describes their product as a new product) while a cartoon graphic shows acne disappearing and pores being cleaned by their "secret" "advanced micro-crystal medicine." User testimonials about how Proactiv changed people from losers to confident popular people will then play while of course showing before and after pictures with a disclaimer saying "results will vary." Almost all of these commercials end the same way as a basic infomercial ends: by telling you the products are worth so much more than what you'll pay if you call within some set time limit, because you don't just need to buy their product, you need to buy it right now.
The basic format of these commercials is insulting, but even worse are the actual user testimonials which seem to have been heavily edited to ensure they're as vapid and meaningless as possible. One commercial features the line "you put it on and it just feels like it's making those blackheads come out, just like pow pow pow." which basically sums up what Proactiv thinks of the average intelligence of its customers. That same commercial actually describes the product using the term "miracle gel," which should automatically raise all sorts of red flags the same way that any snake-oil salesman claiming to have a miracle product does. Another commercial trying to sell a special brush that somehow applies their miracle product in a way that's more miraculous claims that "This isn't just any brush, it's the only one from the doctors at Proactiv," or in other words, "this isn't just any brush, it's the only one made by the people we employ!"
But if all that talk of doctors and product value are too much for you, don't worry, because Proactiv actually makes an almost identical product that's targeted at a much more impressionable and less knowledgeable audience: teenagers. X Out is "the world's first wash-in treatment" which seems to imply that it's a different type of product than Proactiv despite being and doing the exact same thing. Commercials for this product are completely devoid of any kind of meaningful information, revealing that the makers of Proactiv think selling their product to children is like shooting fish in a barrel. They feature lines like "You can feel it working with a blast of icy cool," followed by clear-faced teens saying things like "like a WOOSH of wind," and "it's just, SCHHH, AHHH." The ads always end by saying that unlike most legitimate products, it's not sold in a store so call now and order to get free products.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
This Valentine's, Consider a Hooker
Recently I was scrolling through my Facebook "newsfeed" (feed trough) looking for some mindless feel-good stories, when a story about a prostitution sting caught my eye because it's much more interesting than your stupid kids and pets. It struck me as odd that prostitution stings designed to catch would-be customers rather than those running the prostitution rings still take place. In fact, it's startling to think that we live in a society which any number of sexual acts between consenting adults are perfectly fine, but as soon as there's any mention of money everyone involved becomes a criminal.
Opponents of prostitution argue that it leads to the abuse and sometimes even slavery of the sex workers, which is obviously a very serious and valid complaint. However, keeping prostitution illegal does not solve that problem, it intensifies it. By keeping it a criminal activity, we force prostitutes to associate with pimps rather than legitimate business owners, we give them no legal recourse if abused or cheated, and we give society another excuse to not care about their well-being. The way we handle prostitution right now is equivalent to trying to prevent abuse of racing greyhounds by arresting everyone involved, including the responsible owners, the dogs themselves, and anyone who shows up to place a bet.
Of course there's also the moral "argument" that prostitution and is a degenerate activity which destroys families and communities. You know, just like gambling. This line of thought is so puritanical that it was the basic argument used by the Temperance movement to pass prohibition. We live in a world in which hundreds of websites, dozens of apps, and most bars exist for the express purpose of finding people to have relatively anonymous sex with. If your will is really so weak that you'd devolve into a life of debauchery simply because the option is suddenly available, then you may as well start enforcing burkas.
The United States has a multi-billion dollar industry that revolves around just watching other people have sex; the amount of revenue they could bring in with legalized prostitution is astronomical. They could regulate the industry to significantly reduce STD transmission, abuse, payment disputes, ensure that registered sex workers stay within designated areas instead of just walking the street. Legalizing prostitution would also take money out of the hands of criminal organizations and prevent treating otherwise productive members of society like criminals for engaging in a consensual recreational activity.
There isn't a single good reason to continue enforcing our current prostitution laws. Every dollar spent by our police on stings to arrest customers or close down brothels is an affront to your rights as a consenting adult. This Valentine's Day, consider a hooker and tell your legislators that you're sick of the current system generally screwing everybody.
Opponents of prostitution argue that it leads to the abuse and sometimes even slavery of the sex workers, which is obviously a very serious and valid complaint. However, keeping prostitution illegal does not solve that problem, it intensifies it. By keeping it a criminal activity, we force prostitutes to associate with pimps rather than legitimate business owners, we give them no legal recourse if abused or cheated, and we give society another excuse to not care about their well-being. The way we handle prostitution right now is equivalent to trying to prevent abuse of racing greyhounds by arresting everyone involved, including the responsible owners, the dogs themselves, and anyone who shows up to place a bet.
Of course there's also the moral "argument" that prostitution and is a degenerate activity which destroys families and communities. You know, just like gambling. This line of thought is so puritanical that it was the basic argument used by the Temperance movement to pass prohibition. We live in a world in which hundreds of websites, dozens of apps, and most bars exist for the express purpose of finding people to have relatively anonymous sex with. If your will is really so weak that you'd devolve into a life of debauchery simply because the option is suddenly available, then you may as well start enforcing burkas.
The United States has a multi-billion dollar industry that revolves around just watching other people have sex; the amount of revenue they could bring in with legalized prostitution is astronomical. They could regulate the industry to significantly reduce STD transmission, abuse, payment disputes, ensure that registered sex workers stay within designated areas instead of just walking the street. Legalizing prostitution would also take money out of the hands of criminal organizations and prevent treating otherwise productive members of society like criminals for engaging in a consensual recreational activity.
There isn't a single good reason to continue enforcing our current prostitution laws. Every dollar spent by our police on stings to arrest customers or close down brothels is an affront to your rights as a consenting adult. This Valentine's Day, consider a hooker and tell your legislators that you're sick of the current system generally screwing everybody.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
The Wolf Among Us
Since as of the time I'm writing this the Playstation Network is still down, I've been playing The Wolf Among Us on an un-networked PS4 instead of the game I was really looking forward to since I made my Christmas list. If you haven't heard of this game before, it's probably because it's far from your typical video game
The Wolf Among Us is by Telltale Games, a company which is practically synonymous with the genre of game they make. It describes itself as a "graphic adventure game," but contrary to almost every other use of the word "graphic" to describe video games, what it means is that it's an incredibly immersive story-based role playing game (don't worry, it's also graphic). There is little of what modern gamers would recognize as gameplay. You don't run around through an environment of non-stop action and linear story. Instead, this game focuses on bringing you an in-depth look at a pivotal series of events in the lives of its characters. Player interaction with the game is almost entirely in the form of choosing how your character responds to others and what he notices in the environment. By now most of you are probably thinking "that sounds boring," and you'd be right, if not for the phenomenal story the game is based around.
You play as Bigby Wolf (read Big B. Wolf) the Sheriff of a small community of Fables living in New York City. Fables are characters from myths, legends, and especially fairy tales who live in the real world, but instead of the Disney versions you're probably used to, none of these Fables lived happily ever after. This dark, half-familiar world is the perfect setting for a game which revolves around story and character: the way you interact with the story elements allows you to either flush out details and become a part of this unique community, or shut yourself out like a cold son of a bitch.
The amount of influence you have over the game is reminiscent of old text-based games or a choose-your-own-adventure novel. The game allows you to choose how your character acts in the world, whether that's a by-the-books lawman, loose-cannon cop, or dozens of in-betweens, and the NPCs react accordingly. What you say and what you do affects the development of all the characters, and good or bad, you'll have to live with the consequences for the rest of the game. Sometimes you'll pick what you think sounds like a reasonable dialogue choice and immediately regret it when another character throws it back in your face, sometimes you'll be surprised how well things worked out for you. More than anything you'll feel that your choices are an integral part of how the story advances.
The graphics aren't stunning, but they do fit the game by further its graphic novel style. The same could be said about the controls. For most of the game you can hold the controller with one hand while you snack with the other, although you definitely still have to pay attention as NPCs will just assume you're giving them the silent treatment if you take too long to respond. Overall I'd say if you're looking for a fast-paced action-packed game then this is definitely not the choice for you. If you want a unique story with amazing scripting that feels fresh the entire way through (guaranteed no grinding) then you'll probably want to play this a few times over.
The Wolf Among Us is by Telltale Games, a company which is practically synonymous with the genre of game they make. It describes itself as a "graphic adventure game," but contrary to almost every other use of the word "graphic" to describe video games, what it means is that it's an incredibly immersive story-based role playing game (don't worry, it's also graphic). There is little of what modern gamers would recognize as gameplay. You don't run around through an environment of non-stop action and linear story. Instead, this game focuses on bringing you an in-depth look at a pivotal series of events in the lives of its characters. Player interaction with the game is almost entirely in the form of choosing how your character responds to others and what he notices in the environment. By now most of you are probably thinking "that sounds boring," and you'd be right, if not for the phenomenal story the game is based around.
You play as Bigby Wolf (read Big B. Wolf) the Sheriff of a small community of Fables living in New York City. Fables are characters from myths, legends, and especially fairy tales who live in the real world, but instead of the Disney versions you're probably used to, none of these Fables lived happily ever after. This dark, half-familiar world is the perfect setting for a game which revolves around story and character: the way you interact with the story elements allows you to either flush out details and become a part of this unique community, or shut yourself out like a cold son of a bitch.
The amount of influence you have over the game is reminiscent of old text-based games or a choose-your-own-adventure novel. The game allows you to choose how your character acts in the world, whether that's a by-the-books lawman, loose-cannon cop, or dozens of in-betweens, and the NPCs react accordingly. What you say and what you do affects the development of all the characters, and good or bad, you'll have to live with the consequences for the rest of the game. Sometimes you'll pick what you think sounds like a reasonable dialogue choice and immediately regret it when another character throws it back in your face, sometimes you'll be surprised how well things worked out for you. More than anything you'll feel that your choices are an integral part of how the story advances.
The graphics aren't stunning, but they do fit the game by further its graphic novel style. The same could be said about the controls. For most of the game you can hold the controller with one hand while you snack with the other, although you definitely still have to pay attention as NPCs will just assume you're giving them the silent treatment if you take too long to respond. Overall I'd say if you're looking for a fast-paced action-packed game then this is definitely not the choice for you. If you want a unique story with amazing scripting that feels fresh the entire way through (guaranteed no grinding) then you'll probably want to play this a few times over.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Stupid Things People Say
Apples to Oranges - It's an expression that means two things are totally different and beyond comparison, yet apples and oranges aren't that different. They're both fruits, they grow on trees, have skin on the outside and seeds inside, etc. Any 4th grader could draw you a venn diagram of apples and oranges. It would make more sense to say "like nuclear submarines to shag carpets."
The Definition of Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over and Expecting Different Results - That could be the definition of "unreasonable expectations," but mental health professionals around the world have a very long and precise list of what constitutes a serious mental illness, (ie insanity) and somewhere in there is repeating sayings as if they're facts.
It Takes All Kinds - No it doesn't. The world would be much better off without some kinds. Rapists, violent psychopaths, corrupt authority figures, etc are not essential parts of our society, and neither is the shitty person you're defending when you say "it takes all kinds."
Engaged To Be Married - Unless you're also stupid to be unlearned pick one.
Yeah, No/No, Yeah - A totally different case of just pick one. People use this almost as a filler to show they're paying attention but it does the exact opposite. It always just sounds like "I don't care, it's my turn to talk now."
Public Nuisance - Generally used to describe low level offenders who have pissed off their neighbors. Should be used to describe Wall St. bankers who crippled our economy, "too big to fail" companies which required bailouts, companies who destroy the environment, corrupt politicians, and all others who routinely screw large groups of people for their own gain. A Wal-Mart in your town is a bigger public nuisance than any of your neighbors will ever be.
ATM Machine/PIN Number - Just as dumb as saying scuba apparatus, light laser, NASCAR racing, gross GDP, or Navy NCIS.
Fight Fire with Fire - Have you ever wondered why flamethrowers aren't standard issue for firefighters (outside of Fahrenheit 451)? It's because fire is one of the least effective ways of fighting fire. Every Pokemon trainer knows this.
You Can't Make This Stuff Up/Stranger Than Fiction - All sayings that try to tell you real life is more surprising than imagination are complete BS. In real life you go to work and the most interesting thing that can possibly happen is Keifer Sutherland bursts onto the scene to detain your boss who is really a terrorist. It could happen, but it won't. Because real life blows.
Keep Calm And . . . - It doesn't matter what you follow that with, all options are terrible. I don't know or care how people began attaching literally anything you could think of to this phrase and thinking themselves somehow clever or amusing, but it has to stop if we as a society are to progress.
You Don't Know Me - Has never been said by someone I'd like to get to know. Routinely used as a way of saying "don't judge me" in the most aggressively bitchy way possible. It's a sure sign that the speaker is defensive, withdrawn, and unable or unwilling to express complex ideas.
Sassy - People who describe themselves as "sassy" are basically saying that they think they're clever but they're really just annoying. It's a quality that people seem to think is endearing despite the fact that it's very heavily tied in with narcissism. Sassy people think that whatever they have to say is important, and they aren't afraid to interrupt or belittle the ideas of others to show how smart they think they are. For whatever reason we almost always use this term for women and gay men, but the closest thing we use for men is probably "smug" (although I personally think "smug" has passive connotations while "sassy" is more active).
Friday, November 21, 2014
Worst City Title in the US
I recently came across this article through a Facebook friend about an Oklahoma City police officer being charged with three dozen counts of sexual assault. It's obviously a very troubling story but not exactly what I want to talk about here. While I do hope for all victims of abuse of any kind to receive justice, what I couldn't stop focusing on was the picture in the article, which I've reproduced here. (picture credit to Paul L. McCord Jr. [I think. The original article just gives that name with a link to a Flickr page. Although that's more credit than the writer, Mr. or Ms. "Feminist Newswire" received])
It took me a while to wrap my head around this picture because I wasn't aware that Oklahoma City refers to itself as "The City of Oklahoma City," which, let's be honest with ourselves, is completely insane. I stared at the text in this photo for a while trying to make sense of it, because surely, I thought, no one would do that. Instead this poorly designed logo (note the weird spacing) must be meant to be read like "The City of Oklahoma: City Police," or even "The City of Oklahoma City Police" with no breaks or pauses in a misguided attempt at seeming protective while really just being ominously possessive. Somehow worse than that is the actual answer: Oklahoma City is the city equivalent of a person who talks in third person.
If you go the extra mile and add the state to the end you have "The City of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma," (capital city of the state of Oklahoma) which can easily be said with just the two words: "Oklahoma City." It needs no further explanation. It's literally smack dab in the middle of Oklahoma, and unlike what you probably think of when you hear "Oklahoma," it's a city. If you had never heard of it before there are still two assumptions you would have made upon hearing of Oklahoma City: 1) it is a city 2) it is in Oklahoma. But still, just in case you didn't figure it out, Oklahoma City would like to remind you that it is a city.
Further investigations into this matter show that there is no Town of Oklahoma City, no Oklahoma City County, (the county the city is in is actually called [surprise] Oklahoma County) no People's Republic of Oklahoma City, no State of Oklahoma and Oklahoma City Plantations, and as far as I can tell there are no celestial bodies of any kind named Oklahoma City (although who knows what's really out there?). There are no other places, concepts or entities of any kind with which Oklahoma City can possibly be confused, so why are they doubling down on the citys (sic) like they're pieces of fried chicken that are somehow the healthiest parts of the sandwich they're in?
To be fair to Oklahoma City, they are still the number one city in the US if you rank cities by the number of times they call themselves a city. Even New York sticks to at most just New York City or the City of New York, but never both at the same time, so in that regard they beat what is largely considered the greatest city in the world. Congratulations. Now that that's been said they can finally stop overcompensating and stick to being one city at a time.
It took me a while to wrap my head around this picture because I wasn't aware that Oklahoma City refers to itself as "The City of Oklahoma City," which, let's be honest with ourselves, is completely insane. I stared at the text in this photo for a while trying to make sense of it, because surely, I thought, no one would do that. Instead this poorly designed logo (note the weird spacing) must be meant to be read like "The City of Oklahoma: City Police," or even "The City of Oklahoma City Police" with no breaks or pauses in a misguided attempt at seeming protective while really just being ominously possessive. Somehow worse than that is the actual answer: Oklahoma City is the city equivalent of a person who talks in third person.
If you go the extra mile and add the state to the end you have "The City of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma," (capital city of the state of Oklahoma) which can easily be said with just the two words: "Oklahoma City." It needs no further explanation. It's literally smack dab in the middle of Oklahoma, and unlike what you probably think of when you hear "Oklahoma," it's a city. If you had never heard of it before there are still two assumptions you would have made upon hearing of Oklahoma City: 1) it is a city 2) it is in Oklahoma. But still, just in case you didn't figure it out, Oklahoma City would like to remind you that it is a city.
Further investigations into this matter show that there is no Town of Oklahoma City, no Oklahoma City County, (the county the city is in is actually called [surprise] Oklahoma County) no People's Republic of Oklahoma City, no State of Oklahoma and Oklahoma City Plantations, and as far as I can tell there are no celestial bodies of any kind named Oklahoma City (although who knows what's really out there?). There are no other places, concepts or entities of any kind with which Oklahoma City can possibly be confused, so why are they doubling down on the citys (sic) like they're pieces of fried chicken that are somehow the healthiest parts of the sandwich they're in?
To be fair to Oklahoma City, they are still the number one city in the US if you rank cities by the number of times they call themselves a city. Even New York sticks to at most just New York City or the City of New York, but never both at the same time, so in that regard they beat what is largely considered the greatest city in the world. Congratulations. Now that that's been said they can finally stop overcompensating and stick to being one city at a time.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Double Zero
New micro story through FiftyWordStories.com. Please read and rate on their site:
http://fiftywordstories.com/2014/03/03/chris-griglack-double-zero/
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